Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize