I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
