I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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