when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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