I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
