I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
