I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
