What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Text me some of your sweat
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