I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
