If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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