The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize