My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
