yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
