piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
