Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
