On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
