so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
