No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
