Your mouth is God's brothel.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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