cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
