Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
