Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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