i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
