Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
