I smell stomach acid.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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