I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
