you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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