Fine. I'll sleep in my office
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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