Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
And then he peed in my hair
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
