I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
