This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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