Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
