I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
