Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize