Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Your penis caused this!
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