note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
