Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize