I got chris browned last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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