I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
