if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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