Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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