hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
