I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
