Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize