in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he thought i was a dude.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
