Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
