I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
