How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
