I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
