I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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