It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
