Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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