I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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