I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
