I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
