Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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