So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
