help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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