You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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