I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
