Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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