Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
