I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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