Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
